Today’s interview is very special…..

I just recently discovered the blog Confessions of Me and have not only enjoyed the authors stories, which primarily focus on the calamities of what it’s like to wait tables for a living, but more so have enjoyed getting to know the author herself.

(who goes by the name: Brndoutw8ress)

When I first clicked over to her blog there was something about the bold fusion of frankness, rawness, and sarcastic humor that made me feel comfortable in being there. I immediately got a sense of honesty and openness about the heart of the author.

Last week she posted an introductory speech that she had to deliver for her Oral Communications class; asking her readers for their feedback.

And it was at this time I discovered that she previously had an addiction to heroin.

Later that day I emailed her and asked if she would be willing to share an interview about her addiction on my blog, which she graciously consented to.

It was then that I realized what I had initially felt about her, was true…

…she is a totally open and honest heart.

So, it is with great pride and admiration that I introduce you to the fine lady behind the blog Confessions of Me.


What lead you to the use of heroin? And how old were you?

The first drug I ever used was alcohol, I was 12 years old. Like most teens I experimented with alcohol and pot, but unlike my friends my experimenting turned quickly into a habit. As I continued to use, my disease progressed and at the age of 19 I shot my first dose of heroin.

How long were you a user?

I used drugs in general for 16 years, and heroin specifically for 9 years.

Besides the physical addiction, what is it about heroin that made you continue to use?

Heroin allowed me to escape from the guilt and shame, the loneliness, the unattained dreams, basically from myself. I used heroin to kill the pain that consumed my life. No matter how many times I’d tell myself that I was quitting, I couldn’t stop; I had to use in order to live my life.

How did your use of heroin affect your family and friendships?

Heroin ripped my family to pieces. That’s the thing about drug addiction; it affects everyone involved with the addict. My family didn’t trust me, whenever I would be at someone’s house all the women would hide their purses, they knew I’d steal their money and credit cards. I broke my mother’s heart over and over again until she finally had enough and cut me off completely. I had no contact with her for over three years; however, my father never lost hope in me and we continued to stay in touch, but he kept a safe distance from me.

Tell us about the moment when you finally said to yourself, “It’s time to stop and get clean”.

I had relapsed after having about 2 years clean. My ex had cheated on me and left our apartment and I was so devastated that I was contemplating suicide. I had only been using for like three weeks and already I was starting to see the ramifications of what I was doing (again) to myself. When you have clean time and you start using again, you know better, your conscience screams at you, “What the fuck do you think you’re doing, you know this is out of control, there’s a better way!

I woke up from a 2 day binge and looked around my apartment at all of the material things that I had accumulated again and I knew that if I did not stop right then and there I was going to lose all that shit again, and honestly I don’t think I had the fight in me anymore. I made a decision that morning that I would not succumb to that bag of powder ever again; it had robbed me of too much already and I would not allow it to win again. The following day I went to the methadone clinic and thankfully have not looked back.

Are you currently attending a support group?

At this point in my life I do not choose to attend 12 step meetings. I had in the past, but I had a bad experience with NA so I use what I learned there and implement the knowledge in my everyday life. I would suggest AA or NA to someone that is just starting out because it does work; although, I do not think that the program is the end-all, be-all that they claim it to be.

I am currently on a methadone maintenance program where I receive a daily dose of methadone and also receive individual/group therapy two hours a month. There’s a lot of controversy surrounding methadone, but hey it works for me! I plan on someday getting off of it, but not until I’m comfortable enough with myself to make that decision.

How has your life change since you’ve stopped using?

WOW, where do start! My life has turned around completely in every aspect. I am able to hold down a job. I am working on earning a college degree, I pay ALL my bills ON TIME, and most importantly I am rebuilding the relationships with my family that had been destroyed by my addiction. I have also come to be able to love myself and be content with who I am; for once in my life I am able to just be me!

What has been the main reaction of people who you’ve confided in that you were a heroin user?

Disbelief! They pretty much all say the same thing, “Well you don’t look like a heroin addict”. I just laugh when I hear this response because people’s misconceptions of what a junkie looks like are way out of whack! People have an image of a drug addict in their minds so when they see someone who looks “normal” that image changes, but this is a good thing. I think that we need to make people aware of the epidemic our country is in and hopefully start to save some of these kids before it is too late.

If you could share the most positive thing that came out of this experience what would it be?

The most amazing thing to me to come out of that hell is the sense of self that I now possess. I learned that I am a SURVIVOR! You may not realize the amount of work and determination that goes into fueling a drug habit, it takes a certain amount of loyalty that most people wouldn’t be able to commit to. If I was able to work that hard at staying high, imagine what I can accomplish when I put this work into something positive!

Please Note: Brndoutw8ress will be responding to all comments on this post, so please feel free to talk openly with her. Thank you.